Gemes.

Berhubung belum sempet meluangkan waktu untuk duduk nulis tanpa digedor2 si anak piyik ataupun dihantui tumpukan kerjaan, bikin mini-post aja deh.

Lagi gemes banget sama fenomena nikah muda. Oh astaga, anak muda apa yang engkau pikirkaaaaann~. Inga2, menikah bukanlah solusi dari segala permasalahan hidup anda. Ting ting. Sekian.

Bahwa konsep office-spouse itu sampe sekarang masih tidak bisa gue terima dan tidak bisa masuk di nalar gue. Segimanapun gue berusaha mengerti penyebab dan pemicunya, tetep aja buat gue itu semua kan pilihan. You decide your action, man.

People may forgive, but never forget.

Kartu kredit gue expire bulan depan tapi belom dikirim-kirim astagah mantan kantorkuh.

Approaching 3.0. well.. well… more anti-aging skincare supplies!

Lately into biking. But how come Brompton bikes are so damn expensive?!? Seharga tas yang gue pengen. Terus galau pengen nabung buat tas, sepeda, apa liburan? Nah loh. Janganlah kau ikuti hawa nafsu anak muda….

Image result for meme qasidah

 

 

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2018. a recap. well, sort of.

2018 was the year filled with dynamics, changes, lots of changes. New bosses, new roles, disappointments, another waves of emotions, a lot has happened in a year. The ultimate closure for the year was a major role change in my career that happened completely by surprise.

Fewer family trips but somehow quite the opposite for business trips both mine and husband’s. Here’s a quick recap of 2018 on monthly order.

January – impromptu trip to Bandung, some wedding events attended, meeting old friends. Basically a pretty good start for a new year then.

February – daughter’s second birthday followed by family trip, back-to-back trips to various cities. Seemed like I was always on the move this month.

March – took language test and the result was not as I expected. Adequate, but not satisfying enough. My grandma came to town.

April – Our birthday month! Couldn’t go anywhere since husband has a long business trip abroad. Disney on ice was my highlight. Plus, got 3 birthday cakes on my birthday! Yay!

May – went to Lampung for cycling trip, Aluna’s first bumper car ride, first snorkeling in the open sea, and first boat ride. Last-minute trip to Bali and tried Kilo Bali, awesome! Anniversary month but coincident with fasting month, so, no celebration.

June – family time. Eid holiday. New boss.

July – a short trip to my hometown.

August – poco-poco! Had a chance to visit Bromo again and this time, a lot closer. Asian Games hype! how could I forget this, hahaha. Tried cat cafe and loving it since.

September – weekend staycation in Bogor. We should visit parks more often.

October – my breakdown phase. Took spanish cooking class and had spontaneous trip to KL just the two of us.

November – mom had neck surgery then Bali (again) for business trip with directors & actresses (woohoo). Unexpected trip to Korea with great companies. Never thought I could enjoy Korean cuisine before.

December – Bandung trip before saying goodbye to some familiar faces and finally, a new role to start in 2019. Wish me luck!

 

I actually feel a bit better after writing these recap and at the same time feeling like ungrateful bitch who complained about her life. Anyway, I should be more thankful for all the blessings and lessons in the past.

Cheers!

Dinamika (dunia) kerja

Sebagai seorang pekerja dengan pengalaman hampir 7 tahun bekerja di 2 institusi berbeda (beda jauh bidang dan sisi-nya, FYI), gw mengalami cukup banyak dinamika di dunia kerja. Let me tell you a bit about my work experience.

Pertama kali kerja tahun 2011, masih fresh graduate, bener2 fresh from the oven deh. Ga pernah kerja di manapun (okei, magang/kerja praktek pernah tapi ga usah diitung lah ya. Kurang signifikan pengalamannya). Tawaran kerja pertama yg gw ambil adalah di salah satu perusahaan internasional yang bergerak di bidang keuangan. Ngga nyambung sama jurusan kuliah? Pastinya. hahaha. I was completely blank about what I want to do at the moment. Yaudah kerja aja dululah kan buat menyambung hidup. Gw ikut program Management Trainee di perusahaan ini dan pada saat itu gw -yang super super clueless di bidang baru ini-, ditempatin di berbagai unit selama beberapa bulan untuk kemudian dirotasi ke unit lain. Terus gitu sampe 2 tahun. There was no service duty period stated in my contract, but I managed to graduate from the program and continued working there.

Kurang lebih gw kerja di sana sekitar 4 tahun 2 bulan dan gw sangat berterimakasih atas semua pelajaran dan pengalaman yg gw dapet di sana. To be honest, despite of the pressure, I really enjoyed my job even though I knew nothing about banking at the beginning. The environment was quite supportive, well at least I was so lucky to have 2 bosses who are extremely supportive toward my development as an employee. They trust me (more than enough sometimes) with difficult tasks, they challenge my ideas and encourage me to explore my potential, forced me (in a good way, of course) to learn leadership and human resource management skill. Mana ada anak baru lulus disuruh ngatur2 restrukturisasi tim yang anggotanya udah pasti lebih senior semua dari dia. Di sana gw merasakan budaya kerja yang bisa dibilang profesional. People doesnt really care about your age, your education, your gender, your nationality, as long as you can get the job done. Pernah gw, yang baru lulus dan belum juga kerja 2 tahun, disuruh mewakili atasan gw di rapat dengan petinggi2 perusahaan. Dan begitu juga di rapat-rapat lainnya. Pendapat gw didengar dan tidak dianggap bodoh. Gw merasa dihargai, well, ide-ide gw dihargai oleh atasan-atasan gw. Mereka mendorong gw untuk menggali lagi sampai ide gw bisa dieksekusi di tim mereka. I was given a lot of responsibilities that I never thought I could, but eventually it was done anyway. And my bosses were satisfied with the results. Bener sih tekanannya berat, gak mungkin pulang tepat waktu, tapi di sisi lain juga apresiasi terhadap pekerjaan kita pun seimbang. Kepercayaan diri gw tumbuh seiring waktu. Or maybe I was that lucky to experience such things as that.

Yang gw inget juga dari pengalaman kerja di institusi sebelumnya, persaingan ketat dan lingkungan kerja bisa cukup keras. Tapi dari sana gw belajar untuk gak ‘baper’. Apapun yang terjadi, atasan gw hanya boleh tau bahwa kerjaan beres. Mau seberapa susahnya nyari informasi itu, atau seberapa sulitnya berhubungan dengan rekan kerja kita yang macem2 sifatnya (dan juga lokasinya!). Pokoknya pekerjaan harus selesai. Profesional. Susah bersaing kalau sedikit2 bawa perasaan. Drama terus. Dijutekin waktu lagi observasi, ditolakin terus waktu minta data, kalo baper udah resign dari kapan2 kali. Dimarahin pas lagi rapat sama bos besar di depan petinggi2, kesel ngadepin auditor yang rese. Pengen nangis sih kalo dibawa baper. Ya tapi dari situ gw belajar untuk tetep profesional. Kita ga bisa nyenengin semua orang, kita ga mungkin berteman sama semua, tapi seenggaknya saat kerja ya kita yang penting selesain sesuai target bersama. Mau lagi marahan, lagi kesel, lagi bete, pokoknya kalo udah urusan kerjaan ya jangan bawa2 masalah personal.

Sampai tiba saatnya gw memilih untuk menyeberang ke sisi lain, pemerintahan. Dunia yang bener-bener beda 180 derajat sama institusi sebelumnya. I had my own reasons, I have prepared to trade all those benefit and perks, but what I did not expect was the opposite working culture.

Kaget lah gw sama birokrasi yang ternyata masih segitu kentalnya. Senioritas yang sayangnya masih diaplikasikan dan masih segitunya berpengaruh untuk karir kita. Despite of your hard-working habit and excellent results. Kalau ada “salah langkah” sekali aja, rasanya sulit buat berkembang lagi.

Culture shock ini masih gw rasain sampe hampir 4 tahun gw kerja di sini dan masih se-relevan itu sama kondisi gw sekarang. Ya meskipun gw juga belajar beradaptasi dengan lingkungan, tapi tetep aja rasanya banyak hal-hal yang belum bisa gw pahami. Rasanya masih clueless, dan jujur aja masih bingung mau bersikap seperti apa sebaiknya.

 

 

Missing

I felt something was missing from my current work life.

I cant describe it well but I kinda miss my old corporate life. Yeah, things has their own plus and minuses. For example, my old job wouldn’t let me have exciting business trips to various regions and countries, connected to lots of people from different backgrounds, visiting factories and other companies. But in terms of paycheck, rewards and benefits, and clarity of jobs… well.. it was stressful, but paid me quite okay and more importantly, I got recognized for my work and well-rewarded.

I think this is me got stressed and babble around for things I left in the past. Perhaps I should look for another opportunities, either to study abroad as I have dreamt long time ago or searching for another job ;D

What happened in the last few weeks

Since my last post (which I found not so cheering enough to read anyway), I’ve been trying to find some new things to do, especially on weekends. I enrolled myself to a capital market crash course, attended spanish cooking class, even as random as went to a cat cafe when I am not even a cat person. Had a major mood-swing (PMS, possibly. Or else, idk) last week that ended up quite rough. Sleep deprived, lost interest to lots of things that I used to be passionate about (skincare routine, cooking, for example), being overly-sensitive (ugh I despise this but somehow I become more and more of that), and other things I cant bear to write just because it’s all too painful for me.

Do you ever feel so exhausted but instead of sleeping, you find yourself widely awake at night? I love to sleep, but lately I’ve been experiencing trouble sleeping for unknown reasons. Even after a long day.

I want to escape it all.

Few hours later..

Just stumbled upon an article about burnout, and boy oh boy it defines my current situation! But sadly, I still don’t know how to overcome it. Planning my next escape but somehow it didn’t excite me as much as the other previous trips. What happened to me?

Ended up somewhere

I never had the guts to spill my sadness wholeheartedly again since my last breakup (which turned out to be my transition era from adolescent to an adult, ha ha!). But suddenly I feel like I need to channel these emotions out. The wave of sadness, pressure, things that made cry and snap in the middle of the day/night.

Work has been quite tense lately. Our last two months feels like forever. The never ending workloads, continuous meetings and follow-ups, paperworks and dirty jobs. Too exhausting! New responsibility came along but somehow I still put myself in denial phase. I love to learn new things, but this one felt..different. I don’t enjoy it (yet, perhaps).

I love working and get a bit serious, but this one seemed too serious that it affected my mental health and my behaviour outside office. This may have gone too far for a self-diagnosis, but I am pretty sure that I’m stressed.

I cant sleep at night and felt exhausted at all time. Cant concentrate on midday and tend to avoid conversations. I cant prioritize things and lost count of times getting mad for simple stuffs.

I feel like losing myself.

I treat mealtime as an emotional escape. Food makes me happy. But not so long after, the emotion wave came again and took over.

I cant talk about this openly, so I write.

Maybe I’m seeking for help. Maybe this is just an attention-seeking attempt from me.

This post may end up somewhere.

On being somebody else

Liat foto pilot2 cewek, wow takjub keren luarbiasaaaa. Terus sesaat pengen dan berpikir kenapa dulu engga tertarik.

Liat para dokter2 yg lagi ambil program spesialis, rasanya kagum banget. Terus keinget dulu galau mau ambil sekolah kedokteran habis lulus sma.

Liat temen2 yang habis wisuda s2, pgn ngasih selamat dan sekaligus ketampar dalam hati karena belum juga sekolah lagi sejak lulus 2010 padahal temen2 udah banyak yang sekolah dari kapan tau.

Liat yang udah pada jadi manager, menapaki karir dan udah di titik yang oke, sedikit merasa kangen dulu pernah ada di jalur itu dan mungkin kalo sabar sedikit lagi yaa bisa jadi gitu juga.

Hmf. Manusia emang ga pernah puas sih ya. Suka kurang bersyukur heu… padahal di balik yg kita lihat itu ada susah2nya, ampas2nya yang gak kita tahu sepenuhnya juga. Mungkin ada orang yg pengen jadi kayak kita sekarang ini. Dan rendah banget ya kayaknya kalau gak bersyukur dgn semua yang diperoleh sekarang.

Tiap orang punya rezeki yg diatur utk dijemput dgn caranya masing2. Punya jalan hidup masing2 yang bener2 customized dan unik untuk setiap individu. Punya zona waktu yang beda2 juga dalam jalanin berbagai fase hidup. Standar kecukupan dan kebahagiaan yang berbeda. Ga baik membanding2kan atau halu pengen jadi orang lain hanya karena hal2 dangkal yang keliatan di permukaan. Mesti banyak2 bersyukur dan manfaatin hidup sebaik2nya supaya berguna buat diri sendiri dan orang lain.

Ga ada yang salah juga dari punya ambisi atau mimpi, tapi kadang kita mesti tau batas dan ga bole serakah. Sadar sepenuhnya akan hal2 yang mungkin akan jadi trade off dari keputusan2 kita. Tetep bersyukur tapi juga gak pasrah tanpa ambisi hidup.

Pertanyaannya: cukup dewasakah kita untuk bisa menemukan keseimbangan di antara kedua hal itu?