2019 in a post

Whenever I feel bad about this year, I try to look back and be reminded of what has been done through 2019, how it felt, eventually hoping those memories will enlighten my mood in the last month of the year.

January – New year, new haircut. Still loving white-based coffee (flat white!) and park visits. Oh, this month was also when my brother got engaged to his then-gf. Got so busy preparing here and there, bought super pretty shoes and dress for this event, and in then end enjoying the wedding prep (would be happening in March).

February – Parents went for pilgrimage, daughter got a super cute haircut and turned 3 this month! Please welcome threenager! Went to Bandung for her birthday trip and enjoyed it so much. Had to bid farewell to my dear best friend who went down under to reunite her family (and I’ll soon visit her too! cannot wait until 2020!). Learned to love cycling again and later on led me to a decision of buying a bike! ha ha.

March – My brother’s wedding was the highlight of this month. Great party, good food, a bit of hiccups but none disrupted the joyous atmosphere of the wedding. Wrapped this month with a business trip to Germany with the big boss. So nervous yet excited to the max!

April – Our birthday month! Avengers: Endgame also premiered this month just right before my birthday. Managed to watch it on the premier day and that was our first evening movie date night in the last 3 years, whew! Having a child obliges you to prioritise some things over another. Disney on Ice has been officially added to our annual agenda and this time they got Moana. My daughter couldn’t stop singing How Far I’ll Go ever since.

May – Fasting month, first-time MC-ing, series of bukber here and there. I almost forgot it was our anniversary month too, no celebration, though.

June – Lebaran, mudik, the normal routines we did in Lebaran times. June was also the month when I went through a major life-changing event. A surgery and the demise of my grandfather. Spent almost 3 weeks for recovery.

July – trying to get back to the routines, bought a folding bike (yay!), switched to healthier lifestyle (no fat, no dairy, no coffee, clean eating, no deep-frieds, duh). Finally tried the MRT and yes I can say they are family friendly. TeamLab exhibition was bomb!

August – more cycling rides, first time ice-skating for my daughter and her cousins. Went to Bandung for a wedding trip (that was so lovely and warm, I heart it) with the whole family and finally had to enjoy Saturday night together.

September – first almost-cancelled business trip (phew!) but managed to fly all alone at the end of the day. Visited national flower park that I have never been again since year 2000 (19 years! ha!), also went to Puncak again and stayed there for the weekend. I remember this month went so sweet 🙂

October – a month of uncertainty, which I would have known later that the uncertainty kept on going until the next 2 month. Bid adieu to my big boss and still felt sorrowful about it.

November – Baby Shark show with daughter, new job role (which I thought was only temporarily but boy I was so misguided about it), ended the month by having a lovely family trip to Jogja.

December has not finished yet and I might start it with a melancholic feeling but I will try my best to cope with the sadness, loneliness and this lack-of-excitement phase. Look forward for the year-end staycation though 🙂 Wish me well.

Next year’s excitements

Setelah setahun yang kayanya kering liburan, I am thrilled to plan next year’s traveling plans! Yes, plans! Hope it will all go smoothly according to plan.

Akhir tahun ini nampaknya akan dihabiskan di Jakarta/Tangerang aja karena males macet2an ha ha. Tiket pesawat pun udah ga santai harganya, demikian pula akomodasi dan segala atraksi lainnya. Staycation mungkin dan ke mall aja untuk hiburan akhir tahun, yah ditambah netflix and chill deh.

But next year, oh yeah next yeaar!! Plane tickets has been secured, our visas are good to go, oh I am so excited to fill the itinerary! Wedding duty on January followed by my daughter’s annual birthday trip.

These things spark some happiness in me and I prefer to keep it that way. Marilah kita coba fokus pada hal-hal yang lebih menyenangkan daripada meratapi masa lalu. Semoga semua lancaaar!

Life lately

It’s December already! 2019 flies in a blink of an eye. It really felt like that. 2018 seemed like yesterday but hey, it’s only a few weeks shy to 2020.

Just at the end of last year, when I thought 2018 was quite a down time, 2019 turned out grim. Two job changes happened coincidentally on December. Last December, I was posted at another job place, and that actually was not so bad. I enjoyed my time there, had a very noble big boss, great team, basically fine. Never thought I enjoyed it until it became one of my reasons not applying to post-grad scholarship earlier this year. The routines that once I thought would bored me, they were actually become my remedy. A refreshment from my previous intense workload. For sure there were the downs, such as less domestic business travels, but I am pretty sure I enjoyed my time there.

Life keeps on going until it’s time the inevitable came, changes. I understand perfectly that job changes is a normal thing to face in work life. Be it a promotion or rotation, still considered a job change, right?

However, this time I haven’t find my peace in these changes.

It took me down to the lowest mental state I’ve ever been. My new role was actually quite challenging and interesting. A lot of new things to learn. But I have not feel the excitements. Only grief, envy and other unpleasant emotions.

Even the smallest, trivial, things related to work makes me sad now. I flinched every time I reminded that I was the one who get to stay in the place where I thought would only be temporary. I felt worthless, unheard, and unimportant. I don’t even like my own perception of myself.

I still need to figure out how to make peace with myself with this condition. And I said to myself, this might be the best way chosen for you. But heck yeah, I cant even stop myself from crying and feeling sad on daily basis. I’ll try to work passionately as much as I can. Perhaps it will help me cope with these changes. Perhaps it will give me the peace I needed with myself. Perhaps I can enjoy the current and upcoming role, the way I enjoyed work-things before.

Let’s hope for the best in 2020!


Coincidentally also the same name as the main character of the TV series currently in my watching list, June also become the month where I experienced major changes that I’m pretty sure they will affect my whole well being and life in the future.

I wrote this down as a reminder for me to take better care of my body as this is the only vessel that I have in mortal world. Thus, I need to appreciate what it has done for the past three decades (I’m old now, I know :p).

My grandpa passed away on early June and what was devastating for me is the fact that I couldn’t be there is just… pathetic. He was always there through my whole life. I was the first grandchild, thus, I got pretty much everything from my grandpa. I lived with him during my early years and when my grandparents moved back to our hometown for retirement, I visited them regularly. My school holiday was always about going to my grandparents’ house. Then he would take me to tennis matches, swimming pool, gathering with his friends, and to other activities. I was the only grandchild he ever brought to events. He was still strong and healthy enough. He even managed to come to my wedding and met his great-granddaughter years after that.  I am absolutely thankful for it. His health has deteriorated few years ago and got worse last year. He couldn’t leave his bed, barely heard and saw anything, spent his last month of living in poor health condition.  Despite our grief and sadness over his demise, I felt relieved because my grandpa is no longer in pain.

… to be continued



Berhubung belum sempet meluangkan waktu untuk duduk nulis tanpa digedor2 si anak piyik ataupun dihantui tumpukan kerjaan, bikin mini-post aja deh.

Lagi gemes banget sama fenomena nikah muda. Oh astaga, anak muda apa yang engkau pikirkaaaaann~. Inga2, menikah bukanlah solusi dari segala permasalahan hidup anda. Ting ting. Sekian.

Bahwa konsep office-spouse itu sampe sekarang masih tidak bisa gue terima dan tidak bisa masuk di nalar gue. Segimanapun gue berusaha mengerti penyebab dan pemicunya, tetep aja buat gue itu semua kan pilihan. You decide your action, man.

People may forgive, but never forget.

Kartu kredit gue expire bulan depan tapi belom dikirim-kirim astagah mantan kantorkuh.

Approaching 3.0. well.. well… more anti-aging skincare supplies!

Lately into biking. But how come Brompton bikes are so damn expensive?!? Seharga tas yang gue pengen. Terus galau pengen nabung buat tas, sepeda, apa liburan? Nah loh. Janganlah kau ikuti hawa nafsu anak muda….

Image result for meme qasidah



2018. a recap. well, sort of.

2018 was the year filled with dynamics, changes, lots of changes. New bosses, new roles, disappointments, another waves of emotions, a lot has happened in a year. The ultimate closure for the year was a major role change in my career that happened completely by surprise.

Fewer family trips but somehow quite the opposite for business trips both mine and husband’s. Here’s a quick recap of 2018 on monthly order.

January – impromptu trip to Bandung, some wedding events attended, meeting old friends. Basically a pretty good start for a new year then.

February – daughter’s second birthday followed by family trip, back-to-back trips to various cities. Seemed like I was always on the move this month.

March – took language test and the result was not as I expected. Adequate, but not satisfying enough. My grandma came to town.

April – Our birthday month! Couldn’t go anywhere since husband has a long business trip abroad. Disney on ice was my highlight. Plus, got 3 birthday cakes on my birthday! Yay!

May – went to Lampung for cycling trip, Aluna’s first bumper car ride, first snorkeling in the open sea, and first boat ride. Last-minute trip to Bali and tried Kilo Bali, awesome! Anniversary month but coincident with fasting month, so, no celebration.

June – family time. Eid holiday. New boss.

July – a short trip to my hometown.

August – poco-poco! Had a chance to visit Bromo again and this time, a lot closer. Asian Games hype! how could I forget this, hahaha. Tried cat cafe and loving it since.

September – weekend staycation in Bogor. We should visit parks more often.

October – my breakdown phase. Took spanish cooking class and had spontaneous trip to KL just the two of us.

November – mom had neck surgery then Bali (again) for business trip with directors & actresses (woohoo). Unexpected trip to Korea with great companies. Never thought I could enjoy Korean cuisine before.

December – Bandung trip before saying goodbye to some familiar faces and finally, a new role to start in 2019. Wish me luck!


I actually feel a bit better after writing these recap and at the same time feeling like ungrateful bitch who complained about her life. Anyway, I should be more thankful for all the blessings and lessons in the past.


Dinamika (dunia) kerja

Sebagai seorang pekerja dengan pengalaman hampir 7 tahun bekerja di 2 institusi berbeda (beda jauh bidang dan sisi-nya, FYI), gw mengalami cukup banyak dinamika di dunia kerja. Let me tell you a bit about my work experience.

Pertama kali kerja tahun 2011, masih fresh graduate, bener2 fresh from the oven deh. Ga pernah kerja di manapun (okei, magang/kerja praktek pernah tapi ga usah diitung lah ya. Kurang signifikan pengalamannya). Tawaran kerja pertama yg gw ambil adalah di salah satu perusahaan internasional yang bergerak di bidang keuangan. Ngga nyambung sama jurusan kuliah? Pastinya. hahaha. I was completely blank about what I want to do at the moment. Yaudah kerja aja dululah kan buat menyambung hidup. Gw ikut program Management Trainee di perusahaan ini dan pada saat itu gw -yang super super clueless di bidang baru ini-, ditempatin di berbagai unit selama beberapa bulan untuk kemudian dirotasi ke unit lain. Terus gitu sampe 2 tahun. There was no service duty period stated in my contract, but I managed to graduate from the program and continued working there.

Kurang lebih gw kerja di sana sekitar 4 tahun 2 bulan dan gw sangat berterimakasih atas semua pelajaran dan pengalaman yg gw dapet di sana. To be honest, despite of the pressure, I really enjoyed my job even though I knew nothing about banking at the beginning. The environment was quite supportive, well at least I was so lucky to have 2 bosses who are extremely supportive toward my development as an employee. They trust me (more than enough sometimes) with difficult tasks, they challenge my ideas and encourage me to explore my potential, forced me (in a good way, of course) to learn leadership and human resource management skill. Mana ada anak baru lulus disuruh ngatur2 restrukturisasi tim yang anggotanya udah pasti lebih senior semua dari dia. Di sana gw merasakan budaya kerja yang bisa dibilang profesional. People doesnt really care about your age, your education, your gender, your nationality, as long as you can get the job done. Pernah gw, yang baru lulus dan belum juga kerja 2 tahun, disuruh mewakili atasan gw di rapat dengan petinggi2 perusahaan. Dan begitu juga di rapat-rapat lainnya. Pendapat gw didengar dan tidak dianggap bodoh. Gw merasa dihargai, well, ide-ide gw dihargai oleh atasan-atasan gw. Mereka mendorong gw untuk menggali lagi sampai ide gw bisa dieksekusi di tim mereka. I was given a lot of responsibilities that I never thought I could, but eventually it was done anyway. And my bosses were satisfied with the results. Bener sih tekanannya berat, gak mungkin pulang tepat waktu, tapi di sisi lain juga apresiasi terhadap pekerjaan kita pun seimbang. Kepercayaan diri gw tumbuh seiring waktu. Or maybe I was that lucky to experience such things as that.

Yang gw inget juga dari pengalaman kerja di institusi sebelumnya, persaingan ketat dan lingkungan kerja bisa cukup keras. Tapi dari sana gw belajar untuk gak ‘baper’. Apapun yang terjadi, atasan gw hanya boleh tau bahwa kerjaan beres. Mau seberapa susahnya nyari informasi itu, atau seberapa sulitnya berhubungan dengan rekan kerja kita yang macem2 sifatnya (dan juga lokasinya!). Pokoknya pekerjaan harus selesai. Profesional. Susah bersaing kalau sedikit2 bawa perasaan. Drama terus. Dijutekin waktu lagi observasi, ditolakin terus waktu minta data, kalo baper udah resign dari kapan2 kali. Dimarahin pas lagi rapat sama bos besar di depan petinggi2, kesel ngadepin auditor yang rese. Pengen nangis sih kalo dibawa baper. Ya tapi dari situ gw belajar untuk tetep profesional. Kita ga bisa nyenengin semua orang, kita ga mungkin berteman sama semua, tapi seenggaknya saat kerja ya kita yang penting selesain sesuai target bersama. Mau lagi marahan, lagi kesel, lagi bete, pokoknya kalo udah urusan kerjaan ya jangan bawa2 masalah personal.

Sampai tiba saatnya gw memilih untuk menyeberang ke sisi lain, pemerintahan. Dunia yang bener-bener beda 180 derajat sama institusi sebelumnya. I had my own reasons, I have prepared to trade all those benefit and perks, but what I did not expect was the opposite working culture.

Kaget lah gw sama birokrasi yang ternyata masih segitu kentalnya. Senioritas yang sayangnya masih diaplikasikan dan masih segitunya berpengaruh untuk karir kita. Despite of your hard-working habit and excellent results. Kalau ada “salah langkah” sekali aja, rasanya sulit buat berkembang lagi.

Culture shock ini masih gw rasain sampe hampir 4 tahun gw kerja di sini dan masih se-relevan itu sama kondisi gw sekarang. Ya meskipun gw juga belajar beradaptasi dengan lingkungan, tapi tetep aja rasanya banyak hal-hal yang belum bisa gw pahami. Rasanya masih clueless, dan jujur aja masih bingung mau bersikap seperti apa sebaiknya.




I felt something was missing from my current work life.

I cant describe it well but I kinda miss my old corporate life. Yeah, things has their own plus and minuses. For example, my old job wouldn’t let me have exciting business trips to various regions and countries, connected to lots of people from different backgrounds, visiting factories and other companies. But in terms of paycheck, rewards and benefits, and clarity of jobs… well.. it was stressful, but paid me quite okay and more importantly, I got recognized for my work and well-rewarded.

I think this is me got stressed and babble around for things I left in the past. Perhaps I should look for another opportunities, either to study abroad as I have dreamt long time ago or searching for another job ;D

What happened in the last few weeks

Since my last post (which I found not so cheering enough to read anyway), I’ve been trying to find some new things to do, especially on weekends. I enrolled myself to a capital market crash course, attended spanish cooking class, even as random as went to a cat cafe when I am not even a cat person. Had a major mood-swing (PMS, possibly. Or else, idk) last week that ended up quite rough. Sleep deprived, lost interest to lots of things that I used to be passionate about (skincare routine, cooking, for example), being overly-sensitive (ugh I despise this but somehow I become more and more of that), and other things I cant bear to write just because it’s all too painful for me.

Do you ever feel so exhausted but instead of sleeping, you find yourself widely awake at night? I love to sleep, but lately I’ve been experiencing trouble sleeping for unknown reasons. Even after a long day.

I want to escape it all.

Few hours later..

Just stumbled upon an article about burnout, and boy oh boy it defines my current situation! But sadly, I still don’t know how to overcome it. Planning my next escape but somehow it didn’t excite me as much as the other previous trips. What happened to me?

Ended up somewhere

I never had the guts to spill my sadness wholeheartedly again since my last breakup (which turned out to be my transition era from adolescent to an adult, ha ha!). But suddenly I feel like I need to channel these emotions out. The wave of sadness, pressure, things that made cry and snap in the middle of the day/night.

Work has been quite tense lately. Our last two months feels like forever. The never ending workloads, continuous meetings and follow-ups, paperworks and dirty jobs. Too exhausting! New responsibility came along but somehow I still put myself in denial phase. I love to learn new things, but this one felt..different. I don’t enjoy it (yet, perhaps).

I love working and get a bit serious, but this one seemed too serious that it affected my mental health and my behaviour outside office. This may have gone too far for a self-diagnosis, but I am pretty sure that I’m stressed.

I cant sleep at night and felt exhausted at all time. Cant concentrate on midday and tend to avoid conversations. I cant prioritize things and lost count of times getting mad for simple stuffs.

I feel like losing myself.

I treat mealtime as an emotional escape. Food makes me happy. But not so long after, the emotion wave came again and took over.

I cant talk about this openly, so I write.

Maybe I’m seeking for help. Maybe this is just an attention-seeking attempt from me.

This post may end up somewhere.