What happened in the last few weeks

Since my last post (which I found not so cheering enough to read anyway), I’ve been trying to find some new things to do, especially on weekends. I enrolled myself to a capital market crash course, attended spanish cooking class, even as random as went to a cat cafe when I am not even a cat person. Had a major mood-swing (PMS, possibly. Or else, idk) last week that ended up quite rough. Sleep deprived, lost interest to lots of things that I used to be passionate about (skincare routine, cooking, for example), being overly-sensitive (ugh I despise this but somehow I become more and more of that), and other things I cant bear to write just because it’s all too painful for me.

Do you ever feel so exhausted but instead of sleeping, you find yourself widely awake at night? I love to sleep, but lately I’ve been experiencing trouble sleeping for unknown reasons. Even after a long day.

I want to escape it all.

Few hours later..

Just stumbled upon an article about burnout, and boy oh boy it defines my current situation! But sadly, I still don’t know how to overcome it. Planning my next escape but somehow it didn’t excite me as much as the other previous trips. What happened to me?

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Ended up somewhere

I never had the guts to spill my sadness wholeheartedly again since my last breakup (which turned out to be my transition era from adolescent to an adult, ha ha!). But suddenly I feel like I need to channel these emotions out. The wave of sadness, pressure, things that made cry and snap in the middle of the day/night.

Work has been quite tense lately. Our last two months feels like forever. The never ending workloads, continuous meetings and follow-ups, paperworks and dirty jobs. Too exhausting! New responsibility came along but somehow I still put myself in denial phase. I love to learn new things, but this one felt..different. I don’t enjoy it (yet, perhaps).

I love working and get a bit serious, but this one seemed too serious that it affected my mental health and my behaviour outside office. This may have gone too far for a self-diagnosis, but I am pretty sure that I’m stressed.

I cant sleep at night and felt exhausted at all time. Cant concentrate on midday and tend to avoid conversations. I cant prioritize things and lost count of times getting mad for simple stuffs.

I feel like losing myself.

I treat mealtime as an emotional escape. Food makes me happy. But not so long after, the emotion wave came again and took over.

I cant talk about this openly, so I write.

Maybe I’m seeking for help. Maybe this is just an attention-seeking attempt from me.

This post may end up somewhere.

On being somebody else

Liat foto pilot2 cewek, wow takjub keren luarbiasaaaa. Terus sesaat pengen dan berpikir kenapa dulu engga tertarik.

Liat para dokter2 yg lagi ambil program spesialis, rasanya kagum banget. Terus keinget dulu galau mau ambil sekolah kedokteran habis lulus sma.

Liat temen2 yang habis wisuda s2, pgn ngasih selamat dan sekaligus ketampar dalam hati karena belum juga sekolah lagi sejak lulus 2010 padahal temen2 udah banyak yang sekolah dari kapan tau.

Liat yang udah pada jadi manager, menapaki karir dan udah di titik yang oke, sedikit merasa kangen dulu pernah ada di jalur itu dan mungkin kalo sabar sedikit lagi yaa bisa jadi gitu juga.

Hmf. Manusia emang ga pernah puas sih ya. Suka kurang bersyukur heu… padahal di balik yg kita lihat itu ada susah2nya, ampas2nya yang gak kita tahu sepenuhnya juga. Mungkin ada orang yg pengen jadi kayak kita sekarang ini. Dan rendah banget ya kayaknya kalau gak bersyukur dgn semua yang diperoleh sekarang.

Tiap orang punya rezeki yg diatur utk dijemput dgn caranya masing2. Punya jalan hidup masing2 yang bener2 customized dan unik untuk setiap individu. Punya zona waktu yang beda2 juga dalam jalanin berbagai fase hidup. Standar kecukupan dan kebahagiaan yang berbeda. Ga baik membanding2kan atau halu pengen jadi orang lain hanya karena hal2 dangkal yang keliatan di permukaan. Mesti banyak2 bersyukur dan manfaatin hidup sebaik2nya supaya berguna buat diri sendiri dan orang lain.

Ga ada yang salah juga dari punya ambisi atau mimpi, tapi kadang kita mesti tau batas dan ga bole serakah. Sadar sepenuhnya akan hal2 yang mungkin akan jadi trade off dari keputusan2 kita. Tetep bersyukur tapi juga gak pasrah tanpa ambisi hidup.

Pertanyaannya: cukup dewasakah kita untuk bisa menemukan keseimbangan di antara kedua hal itu?

Self-reminder

Akhir-akhir ini gw lagi banyak mikir ulang soal gaya hidup, terutama belanja. Bukan gimana-gimana, cuma beneran lagi sering banget denger kasus orang terjerat cicilan/utang banyak hanya karena tuntutan gaya hidup. Yaaa, gw ga sepenuhnya langsung tobat ga belanja apa-apa juga sih. Tapi seenggaknya, gw sedang mencoba untuk ga belanja yang melebihi kemampuan gw.

Gimana tuh?

Simpelnya gini, sekarang gw kerja di institusi pemerintah yang yah semua juga bisa liat gajinya berapa. Sesuatu yang udah pernah gw bahas di blog ini tentang trade-off. Gw harusnya sadar diri, kalo gaya hidup dan selera belanja gw udah ga bisa ngikutin lagi seperti gw dulu masih kerja jadi corporate slave di perusahaan swasta. Dulu gw single, mau jalan kemana aja kapan aja hayuk jabanin lah. Dapet bonus, sebagian tabung, sebagian hore-hore trip sepanjang tahun. Gw inget banget, belanja mungkin ga seberapa. Barang bermerk yang mewah pun dulu rasanya kalah sama kebutuhan jalan haha. Tapi kemudian ya kenal juga sama perawatan kulit (it aint cheap!) dan fancy stuffs (meskipun masih yang kelas rakyat jelata aja). Terus ditambah udah berkeluarga, punya anak, punya kebutuhan rutin yang perlu dibiayai dan segala macem tanggung jawab lainnya.

Kemarin-kemarin, jujur aja, masih suka lapar mata, iri, ga mau kalah dengan orang-orang. Apalagi yang keliatan di medsos. Bahaya sih emang kalau ga bisa ngontrolnya. Liat orang makan-makan cantik di resto X, pengen. Liat si X, si Y pake produk brand ZZ, pengen. Liat keluarga XY liburan tiap bulan ke luar negri bawa anak , mupeng. Citra yang kita liat di layar tuh kalo ga pinter-pinter difilter dan waras diri emang bikin khilaf sih. Itu baru sebagian kecil tekanan yang mungkin keliatan dan gw pribadi sempet rasain. Yah pasti capek lah (dan kantong jebol) kalo mau nurutin semua itu. Iya kalo memang udah mapan secara finansial dan ga kejar setoran lagi, lah kalau kebutuhan masih banyak ya mendingan gausah pura-pura mampu.

Gw sekarang berusaha ngerem banget kepengenan beli-beli tas, pertama karena udah punya beberapa dan itu masih ada yang sering nganggur. Kedua, ngerasa ga pantes aja gitu dengan penghasilan ga seberapa tapi tas mewah misalnya. Keinginan pribadi buat liburan, haduh gausah ditanya deh. Satu dari beberapa hal yang dikangenin dari masa single (no matter how I love and am so grateful for my family life today) adalah bebasnya mau pergi liburan, nonton konser, dateng ke tempat ini dan itu. Liburan terakhir kemarin beneran bikin sadar diri. Kalo uangnya ga ada ya jangan maksain liburan (atau beli hal lain yang ga penting2 amat).

Pengen banget lah liburan ke tempat X, Y, Z sama keluarga. Tapi dipikir-pikir lagi pantes ga siihh seneng-seneng dulu di saat rencana keuangan belum secure. Halooo.. ga ada yang bakalan tiba-tiba ngasi uwit segepok saat anak mau sekolah nanti lhoo. Harus nabunggg… Malu ih, liburan bisa fancy2, barang juga, tapi nyekolahin anak struggle habis-habisan. Prioritas bos!

Yang paling susah buat gw adalah ngerem pengeluaran untuk kebutuhan makanan. Kadang ngerasa makan enak tuh jadi reward buat diri sendiri/keluarga. Seneng masak juga tapi ya ga bohong sih kalo alat masak yang bagus itu gak murah. Paling ya sekarang masih rada jebol splurge di makanan. Shopping-shopping dan liburan kayaknya menyesuaikan anggaran aja. Sanggupnya cuma ke Bandung juga ya udah harus disyukuri dong. Malu seringnya sama orang-orang yang kerja digaji pas UMR (helloooo PNS gapoknya di bawah UMR fyi :p). Ya mereka bisa aja hidup layak dengan gaji segitu (tanpa mempedulikan faktor lain ya).

Gw berusaha pengen jujur tampil sesuai dengan kondisi apa adanya. Lebih baik lagi kalau bisa hidup sederhana. Salut banget sama orang-orang mapan yang tetep bisa low-profile, rendah hati, hidup sederhana, gak pamer kanan kiri, ya secukupnya tanpa harus mengumbar kekayaan dia kemana-mana. Mudah-mudahan tahun ini bisa mulai hidup lebih sederhana yaaaaa

Reminiscing my 2017

Another random list that also serves as my reverse bucket list

  • Baby girl’s first birthday and also her first plane ride to Jogja. Slept thru the flight.
  • Also our first and second family trip abroad. Alhamdulillah. I wish we could travel to all continents!
  • Went to ‘murica again! Saying hello to my favorite city and tasting what it felt like to be an upper east siders even if only for a few days. Oh, and finally stepped my feet at The Cloud Gate/The Bean!
  • Also visited Canada! Montreal, je me souviens.
  • Lots of work
  • Plenty of food too. Tried out dozen restaurants/joints and makes me love food even more.
  • H1: travel travel travel. Both biz and vacation. H2: I need some more vacation!
  • Return to Tokyo. This time also visited Sendai and Osaka (day trip, though). Sendai gyutan is not something to be missed. You’re welcome.
  • New phone! Finallehhhhh
  • Started drinking coffee religiously.
  • Finished Crazy Rich Asian series.
  • First mudik with my daughter. What an adventure.

That’ll be all for now.

To be continued later….

Approval

All my life I’ve been looking for approval. Approval of my decision, my behavior, my habit. Anything. Be it from my mother, from society, from friends. As a result, many times I felt like I lost myself. I cant even grasp the concept of me. What I think, what I actually feel, what I honestly say, what I would feel like doing.

I wanted to be good. But the ultimate question was and still is, to whom those “good” standard that I refer to? Because it was too tiring to try fulfilling other’s expectation of you. Scared to express my own thoughts, scared to be my own self because I want that sense of acceptance. That approval. That nod.

Touched

Few days ago I stumbled upon a short story in an anthology of traveling experiences. The writer shared her trip to Mandalay, Myanmar and how a tricycle driver made her cry because of his kindness and honesty. I did cry too. Either it is me being in a sensitive phase or the story was so tearful.

She went to Mandalay with her friend, felt lost, and the driver saved their day. Getting them to every spot on their list, even wait for them. He showed them his family who wait for him at home, he refused to lunch in a fancy place, he told them he still able to drive even though it was already late and he was clearly tired from cycling all day. Again I say, I cried so hard while reading it. Even for the second, third, and fourth time. Somehow I was reminded that out there, the world never lacked of sincere people. Rich or poor, sincerity knows no status. Honesty don’t belong to any social caste. Kindness, is always in every human’s heart. We ought to embrace these good traits even more.

I need to write this feeling because I rarely feel it. It was not something I admit everyday. I did not cry to sad movies, but Coco gave me puffy eyes upon leaving the studio. Cant even recall the last time I was touched by something (apart from watching Coco, obviously). It moved me, the softest part that I didn’t even know exist. That spot, deep down somewhere.